Anal sex is quite the ~hot thing~ to try these days—and for damn good reason. For starters, the anus is a wonderland of nerve-endings and delights. Women and vulva havers can actually reach deep pleasure zones through anal—including the nerves of the clitoris and the A-spot (the anterior fornix), says clinical sexologist Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach. The A-spot is located deep inside the vagina, and because the walls between the vagina and rectum are so thin, you can access this sweet spot (and all the sensations that come with it) through anal. The more ya know!
Because the butt has become such a popular sexual terrain, it’s important to understand how to play with the anus in a safe and pleasurable way. Anal sex is about so much more than simply shoving things up your rear—although, yes, that can be a very fun part of it, because the anus itself is a nerve-rich center of pleasure.
In fact, most of these nerve-endings are located right at the anal opening. Meaning: You don’t necessarily need to have penetration in order to enjoy anal play.
Enter: Anal foreplay. Non-penetrative backdoor play deserves to be a mainstay of anal sex because, in addition to packing tons of pleasure potential in its own right, it also helps ensure a safe and satisfying experience for everyone involved. You might even say that anal activities outside of the strictly penetrative stuff should really be called anal MOREplay, because things like rimming, fingering, and using anal toys can certainly be the main event, not just the lead-up to it. All anal stuff is good anal stuff.
So, whether you’re looking to experiment with new forms of touch back there or just want to ease in with some non-penetrative backdoor play before you dive into full-on anal sex, here are 41 expert-recommended anal sex and foreplay tips for both first-timers and experienced butt explorers.
1. It shouldn’t hurt.
First and foremost, anal sex shouldn’t hurt. If it does, stop. Please. Sure, the sensation might feel a bit foreign, and you might be a little sore after, but pain isn’t supposed to be part of it. It should basically just feel like you might need to poop during the action (at least at first, when you’re not used to it yet). Lawrence Johnson, CEO and cofounder of the leading gay men’s lifestyle brand Pure for Men, says preparation and communication are essential to making it pleasurable and enjoyable. Above all, you need to “relax your muscles and breathe,” advises sexologist Emily Morse.
2. Take your time.
Absolutely nothing anal-related should be done hastily. This is one of those sex acts that needs to be taken slowly and handled with care, especially if there’s any kind of penetration involved. Remember, the anatomy of the anus is completely different from the vagina, says Rowett. “So go super slow, do NOT rush it.”
The vagina naturally lubricates and expands when you’re aroused (though we’d still suggest never skipping the lube). The anus does not do these things. So you need to work very, very carefully to make sure it’s ready to be explored.
Oh, and one thing your anus has that your vag doesn’t? A little thing known as the anal sphincter, which needs to be relaxed during penetration, says Rowett. This means taking deep breaths and allowing your body (and butthole) to relax so you can fully surrender to the sensation. If you tense up or are going too fast, things can get uncomfortable and/or painful real quick.
3. Know that anal sex isn’t dirty.
Anal sex isn’t inherently dirtier than other types of sex. In fact, Johnson says with a little preparation, you can expect “the most pleasurable, clean, and worry-free experience ever.” This is because, as clinical sexologist Kat Van Kirk explains, the anus and the lower part of the rectum actually have very little fecal material in them, which means it tends to not be nearly as dirty as you think. More details on how to ”prep” below.
4. You should still use a condom.
The reason: “You can absolutely transmit STIs during anal sex,” Johnson explains. This is because not only is there skin-to-skin contact and exchange of fluids, but the lining of the anus can be damaged due to friction, making it susceptible to infection. That’s why you should always use condoms—not only with anal sex but with any type of intimacy where genital fluids are exchanged.
5. You don’t need to douche, but can if you want.
You don’t need to do an anal douche before you have anal sex, but you can if you’d like to. “Although it’s not required, people turn to douching as a way to help give them peace of mind that there won’t be any messy surprises during anal play,” says anal surgeon and sexual health expert Evan Goldstein, DO, founder of the sexual wellness brand, Future Method. But look, when you’re going up a butt, you might come in contact with poop. The sooner we realize and accept this, the better. With that being said, it’s fine if you’d rather avoid it.
If you’re going to douche, it’s important you’re using the right stuff. Dr. Goldstein recommends using the Future Method bulb and non-toxic douching solution. They’re safe for douching and won’t dry you out. Stay away from pharmacy douching kits or shower head attachments, as these can be dangerous.
Keep in mind that over-douching is a bad idea. “Make sure you understand the correct ways to clean, as incorrect use and over-douching can lead to significant issues that limit anal play, even before you start,” Dr. Goldstein adds. Douching should be done a maximum of two to three times per week, with body-safe products.
6. Eat plenty of fiber.
If you are skipping the enema but still want to feel as clean as possible, both Fabian Prado, CMO and cofounder of Pure for Men, and Johnson recommend eating a high-fiber diet. “Fiber for staying ready is one of the best-kept secrets of the bottom community,” Johnson says. “Aside from its many other key health benefits, dietary fiber literally keeps your sh*t together and moves it out of your system with regularity.”
Having plenty of fiber—found in foods like berries, broccoli, and beans—will keep everything clean and regular. You can also opt for a fiber supplement like Pure for Her to ensure both your anal sex and your sheets stay clean.
7. You might wanna *go* beforehand.
While there’s no need to stress about fecal matter during anal sex—not only because these tips help eliminate that but also because you should have a trusting partner who supports you despite any poo—it’s important to be sure you go number two prior to doing the deed. If you go around two hours before having anal sex, you should be golden. Just make sure to clean well afterward and wash with soap if there’s going to be any mouth-to-anus action.
And speaking of pooping, Johnson and Prado say you can expect a lil soreness the first time you go after anal, but it shouldn’t hurt. “If you experience severe pain or digestive irregularities following anal sex, it’s recommended you seek medical advice and consult with your doctor,” Johnson advises.
8. Steer clear of numbing lube.
Since the anus doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina, using lube is vital for pleasurable (and safer!) sex. And while you might be tempted to grab some numbing lube that’s typically marketed for anal sex, Sparks highly advises avoiding those products. “Never, ever using a lubricant that numbs the anal sphincter,” she says. “This is the one place that you want to know what is painful so that you can stop whatever action you are taking, and not wait for the numbing lubricant/cream to wear off and realize there has been damage.”
9. Make sure you’re feeling completely supported.
Regardless of whether there’s any penetration going on, anything with anal requires lots of trust and relaxation, safety, and comfort, says sex and relationships expert Tia Evagelou. If you start down the anal path tense, you’re going to have a bad—or at least not as good—time. Take a few moments to relax and get in the right headspace. And if you find the idea is too stressful or uncomfy, you can absolutely say no to anal play at any point in time.
10. Establish a safe word or two before you dive in.
A series of safe words can include:
- A word that means “Yes, I love it”
- A word that means “Slow down” or caution
- A word that indicates ”Stay in connection and talk to me”
- And a word for a hard stop.
“Sometimes people try to [have sex] through [anal sex], instead of speaking up, because they don’t want to ruin the moment for the other partner or they don’t know how to formulate their needs and sometimes even override their body’s resistance, potentially adding more discomfort to the experience,” says Evagelou. Having preset safe words will make you and your partner feel supported and safer to explore.
11. Remember to breathe.
“This can’t be emphasized enough,” says Evagelou. “When we are tense, contracting [our muscles], or disconnected from our experience, we are blocking our pathways to pleasure,” she adds. If you relax and breathe, you’ll likely be able to feel a more pleasurable sensation.
12. Ask for permission and be respectful of your partner’s body.
“Let them know what you are doing and ask for their permission to do so,” says Evagelou. This means both *before* you do something and *as* you’re doing it. It might take a bit longer, but it’s well worth it as it establishes trust, safety, and connection for both to have an enjoyable experience. Plus, active consent is sexy, so ask away!
13. Have the receiver guide the penetration.
While you might think the receiver takes a more passive role, have them guide the penetration to their satisfaction. This can feel empowering as they get to control the speed, depth, and angle of penetration in allowing their body to feel good, says Evagelou.
14. Pick up a silicone-based lube.
Vanessa Geffrard, MPH, a sexpert for Lovers, recommends silicone-based lube—like UberLube—as it lasts longer compared to water-based lubes. Plus, you’ll need less of it. Just keep in mind that not all silicone lubes are safe with silicone toys (some are and some aren’t, so there’s no flat rule for this unfortch). Your best bet is to Google the toy you’re working with to see if it’s silicone before squirting some lube on.
15. Try it with a dildo first.
If trying anal foreplay with a partner is like your Olympics, it makes sense that you might want to try it beforehand in a lower-stakes environment. Geffrard recommends the Fun Factory Limba M Dildo as the smooth, bendable nature of the toy allows for easy angle changes to find what’s comfiest for you, and there’s a suction cup on the bottom allowing you to “practice” anywhere with a flat surface, like your bedroom or the shower.
16. Or, even better, try using dilators designed for this very thing.
The very best way to be prepared for anal penetration is to use a dilator kit, says Dr. Goldstein. These kits are made to literally train your bum for sticking things in it safely and comfortably.
Dr. Goldstein explains that there are three different muscle groups that need to be trained. “Two of the three we can control, and the third, called the internal sphincter, is the one that we can’t,” he says. Try flexing your butt hole and you’ll be able to feel the muscles that you can control.
Dilators help to train and stretch these muscles in order to prepare them for anal. Dr. Goldstein recommends using the Future Method dilation kit, as the length and girth of each glass dilator are designed to work with all three muscle groups. You can work your way up in dilator size as you get more comfortable. And don’t forget to use LOTS of lube.
17. Try giving anal foreplay a test run when you’re on your period.
Of course, having your period shouldn’t make you miss out on sex, but if you’re squeamish about having vaginal period sex, anal might be a good substitute in those times. “Many women report feeling more pleasure practicing anal sex during their periods while wearing a menstrual cup inside their vaginas,” says Mia Sabat, a sex therapist at Emjoy. The menstrual cup is thought to stimulate the internal walls of their vagina, which can be an added plus to the sensation of anal sex.
18. Treat anal like a door, literally.
Foreplay is so important because you have to “ring the doorbell” before entering, explains Isharna Walsh, founder/creator of Coral, a sexual wellness app. “Massage and warm up the anus before entering anything inside,” she says. Be a good guest (even if it’s your own booty hole), and don’t just breakdown the door.
19. Prep a “resting station” for any toys or lube that you might be using.
Some people who use toys learn to have a small handkerchief close by, so they can rest their toy on a “safe” spot when they aren’t using it, explains Angela Watson of DoctorClimax.com. Having little details like this worked out ahead of time can give you more freedom to enjoy the experience and not stress about little things.
20. Try Sacral Massage.
It’s worth it to take 15 to 20 minutes to give the receiving partner a sacral massage (aka the portion of the lower back just above the butt crack), says Walsh. “The muscles and nerve endings in the sacrum extend to the whole pelvic girdle and can help release tension,” she adds. Plus, massages always feel good and anything relaxing is a bonus always.
21. Stimulate around the anal opening first.
“Having your back door be a part of sexual play does not mean you need to have anal sex,” says Gigi Engle, sexpert for Womanizer. While internal stimulation can be great too, “you can achieve just as much pleasure without ever putting anything into the anus,” explains Engle. “Massage or lick around the anus,” she adds, as it’s full of nerve endings that can provide pleasure in and of itself.
22. Don’t neglect your clit!
“Having clitoral stimulation is super important during anal play because it helps a vulva-owner to relax and become fully aroused—both critical steps in enjoying butt stuff,” says Engle. Try a traditional vibrator or go for a suction toy like the Womanizer Liberty, both recommended by Engle.
Suction toys simulate oral sex, so while your partner might only be able to give you oral attention to one spot at a time, with a suction toy you can feel like they’re going down on your clit while they rim you.
23. Try a heated lubricant.
Sliquid Organics Sensation Personal Lubricant
Warming lube can help heighten pleasure and make you even more comfortable in the moment. “The heat that is created actually helps to bring blood flow to the area and help increase stimulation to the pleasure receptors in the rectum/anus,” explains Niket Sonpal, MD, of Brookdale Hospital Medical Center. The active ingredient in these heated lubricants is propylene glycol, says Dr. Sonpal, which is the same substance used in Fireball Whiskey. Some other brands use capsaicin, aka the active ingredient found in peppers.
In either case, heated lubricants should be fine for both anal and vaginal use (not in the same sex session, just like, you don’t need to buy a separate, dedicated warming lube for your butt ONLY). Just be careful when touching your eyes, Dr. Sonpal warns!
24. Relax those booty muscles.
There are a bunch of lil muscles around your anus that can be pretty tight if you’re not relaxed. And as logic follows, if those muscles and your anal sphincter are tight, inserting anything can be painful and difficult rather than pleasurable and easy. Try something like deep breathing or a relaxing massage with your partner to make sure both you and your bum muscles are sufficiently chilled out, pre-anal play.
25. Create a chill anal play area.
All sex can sometimes be messy, and anal sex and foreplay are no exception. If this is gonna stress you out to the point that you’re unable to relax and enjoy yourself, try prepping your space ahead of time. Like, maybe strip the fancy sheets off your bed or cover your comforter with a soft, washable blanket and have some wipes on-hand for easy cleanup.
26. You might think you’re pooping, but you are not.
The butt is full of nerves (hence, the point of anal play and foreplay), but that doesn’t necessarily mean it can tell whether something is going in or out. Again, you can put an end to things at any time, but just know that the feeling you have is probably just from the ~new stimulation~, not a sudden urge to go.
27. Get some toys in there.
McDevitt also recommends trying a vibrating anal toy with a broad head. “Simply place the head against the anal opening (but don’t insert!), or glide the toy in a circle around the opening. External anal vibrations add completely new sensations. Alternate between the vibe and your finger to really tease.”
If you’re using toys like butt plugs or anal beads, only use toys with a flared base. These toys are designed to stick in the butt without being swallowed up by the internal sphincter (that muscle group you cannot control).
28. Pay attention to the butt cheeks too!
Just because your ultimate goal is the butthole doesn’t mean you should totally ghost your partner’s butt cheeks. Sadie Allison, the founder of TickleKitty.com and author of Tickle My Tush–Mild-to-Wild Anal Play Adventures for Every Booty, recommends starting off with a sensual booty massage. Using lube, “place your thumbs in the creases where the legs meet the butt cheeks and glide your thumbs along the crease from the inner thigh area to the outer side. Lift and repeat. Then put your palms together in “prayer position,” placing them on their tailbone and gliding up and down their butt crack.”
29. Try it on your own first.
You know how it’s basically impossible to tickle yourself? This isn’t the same, but trying out anal foreplay on your own is informed by a similar mindset. You won’t be surprised as much by your own, um, touch. It won’t be the same as it would be coming from a partner, but it’s a good way to feel out if you’re into the sensation.
30. This is a case where shower or bathtub sex might actually be good.
Shower sex is notorious for being hard to successfully pull off. But because relaxation is so vital here, trying anal play in a place where you’re more likely to feel calm and loose (like the shower or tub) is helpful. Plus, if you’re worried about cleanliness (which isn’t a real problem, but it’s an understandable concern), moving things to a place where you’re already getting clean helps out.
31. Start small.
The whole point of anal play is to keep it simple before working your way up. “To prepare a bottom for sex play, start with fingers, tongue, or a very small sex toy designed for butt play,” says Pierce. “An option is to purchase a butt plug kit that uses several plugs of graduating sizes just for this training.”
32. The person penetrating should err on the shallow side.
Everything that goes in should be “just the tip.” The nerve endings you’re trying to stimulate are in the anus and not all the way up there—hence, the moniker “rimming”—which is generally the painful part and also the part that makes you feel like you need to take a huge dump. Imagine it like a basketball hoop, and the ball should just be rolling around the rim of the basket, not actually making the basket. Does that help? I know nothing about basketball.
33. Enter at the right angle so you hit the right spots.
Dr. Goldstein explains that the female pelvis is more anterior. “That means, when you enter, you need to angle the toy or penis towards the vaginal side of the anus. This will provide a clear shot to glide right into the anal canal,” he says. In this position, you’re able to hit those deeper spots like the clitoral nerves and the A-spot, through the rectal wall.
He suggests having the person being penetrated start out on top, in a cowgirl position. “It’s not only important to remain in control, but also be able to change your pelvic angles to receive penetration comfortably, get into your groove, and then get more adventurous from there,” he adds.
34. There shouldn’t be any rapid-fire movement immediately.
Vigorous jamming of fingers anywhere should not happen immediately. “So much of sex is fast—especially in porn—but anal play has to be prepped,” says Morse. Take your time and never engage in vigorous penetration of any type until you’re sufficiently aroused and ready.
35. You can vary up positions.
No, not all butt stuff needs to be done doggy-style. It’s true it might be a little harder to get some solid eye contact going on when face-to-anus things are happening. But! There are a variety of positions to try, like lying on your back with your hips elevated or sitting on your partner’s face in reverse-cowgirl. Move around until you find one that makes you feel most at ease.
36. Communication is key.
The only way to know what works and what doesn’t is to be totally honest with your partner about what they’re doing. Clinical sexologist Nancy Sutton Pierce stresses the importance of always being tuned in to how the other is feeling and being vocal about your preferences.
37. It feels best when there’s some additional stimulation going on.
Vaginal, clitoral, nipple-centric—whichever feels best for you. While some people only need butt play à la carte, others can’t come from anal stimulation alone. “The anal part is something that’s an accent. It adds to the overall experience,” says Ian Kerner, sex expert, researcher, and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. (Incidentally, vagina-havers who have had anal sex report more frequent orgasms than those who haven’t.) That being said...
38. Make sure your partner doesn’t use the same butt finger in your vagina afterward.
Why do you think The Shocker exists? Necessity is the mother of invention. “Baby wipes should be mandatory on every nightstand,” Morse says.
39. If you try it a few times and hate it, don’t keep trying it because you think it’ll eventually be tolerable.
“Assuming you have a considerate lover who’s invested in you feeling good, I think you’d know within the first five times whether you like it or not,” Kerner says, explaining that this depends on a variety of factors. “I’ve encountered [people] who hated receiving oral sex initially but love it now, and it was because they were self-conscious. It depends on your levels of inhibition, your feelings about your partner, your feelings about your body. If all these things are good to go, and you just don’t like the sensation, you’ll know pretty fast.”
40. You don’t need to get a wax.
“Most [people] don’t get Brazilians simply to engage in anal foreplay,” Kerner says, based on his research. If you feel comfier being hair-free, go for it, but just remember you should wait at least 24 hours to have sex after a wax since your skin will be raw and friction could lead to irritation.
